Tag: Published

the first drop hit my nose
made me flinch
and snort
at the unexpected blessing
the second plopped onto my forehead
as I glanced up
grey
everything was an exquisite shade of grey
I smiled as the clouds began to dance
stopped by my car
key in hand
as the sound of a thousand droplets
blanketed everything
in their cool hum

my room smells like incense
which is to say
I enjoy lighting cone after cone
and stick after stick
just to cause everything I own
to smell like prayer
incense smoke is formless magic
with the ability to permeate your bones
if you let it
the ashes are pixie dust on every surface
a familiar blessing from the same faeries
that like to hide the other sock until your learn
to stop trying to conform to what’s expected
to stop matching just because
someone said you should
incense burns
and the prayers are answered
in the rising smoke

Oscar Wilde once said
never love anybody who treats you like you’re ordinary
and maybe that’s why I love you so hard
because you look at me and see
all the oddities I bring to the table
the crystals and whistles and bells of a pagan soul
dancing through an ordinary life
you’ve never made me pretend to be normal around you
never hushed my wild ramblings
for fear of someone else hearing them
never told me to sit still and behave
I love you for treating me like
the queen of fools and faeries
rather than a mere mortal mistress

I cry at night sometimes
these silent and hollow tears
more like condensation trailing down my cheeks
than actual pain
I’ve always loved the rain
the way everything feels
fresh and new after a storm
so I never fight the urge to cry
I embrace it
turn my face to the grey clouds of my tense insides
and let the tears fall as they may
unhindered by my open heart
I believe in drowning in myself
rather than dying of thirst
while standing in my own ocean
I know when to baptize myself
dip under those cool waters and start over again
wash away what no longer serves me
I turn my face to the pillow and cry
until the waves of my heartbeat
stop their violent crashing to the shore
until I can breathe again
inhaling the dampness into my lungs
like incense smoke and prayer
the truth is
tears have always been holy water
and I am truly blessed

NOTE: this poem is dedicated to Christina Grimmie, as well as the victims of the Pulse shooting in Orlando.

it hurts to know I can’t fix this
can’t unmurder the victims of yet another
act of senseless violence
can’t unbreak the hearts of their families
as the news hits
I can’t pray away this pain
can’t light enough candles to guide their lost souls
without burning the whole world down in the process
I feel small and helpless
trapped in a vicious cycle of deaths and heartache
I can’t fix this
but I can open my heart to the hurt
open my arms to embrace the survivors
because we’re all the survivors here
instead of joining the debate on
why and how and who could’ve prevented this
I focus on what I know best
love
I send out love to those who need it
to those who are hurt the most
the way I see it
the world can always use more love

I wonder how the stars feel
knowing their burning brilliance
is nothing but a twinkling light long after they’re dead
I wonder if they burn brighter
hot with the knowledge of their fading presence
I wonder if they care
or if their cores continuously consume base elements
with no concern for the ripples of their future burnouts
stars are powerful masses of destruction
and life giving heat
and that is why I need you to be a star
you who have been told all the usual platitudes
that it will get better
that this darkness you’re facing is only temporary
and death is too permanent to be a solution
that someone loves you
I know the words mean nothing on the bad days
echoing in the cavernous chamber of your empty heart
so forget the promises of gentle words
instead
be willing to burn brighter
in the face of your own darkness
to force change
convert the elements of your suicidal depression
into new building blocks
let the heat of your refusal to fade out
bring life back into your uninhabitable heart
and don’t worry about how your light
may or may not matter tomorrow
because it matters today
just be a star
be brilliant
and burn

as memorial day arrived again
I found myself thinking about a shrine
for those who’ve passed
the soldiers who served my country
with everything they had
and at first
I thought it’d be easy
call in the Valkyries
to help those warriors make it to Valhalla
like they deserve
but then my mind grew discomforted
because the ones that came home too broken to keep going
the ones lost to suicide and drug abuse
they’re still warriors
still heroes
but I don’t think they’d be welcomed in Valhalla
their weaknesses too big
their deaths too empty of honor or glory
it’s not fair
and I could never
honor those who’ve died in the heat of battle
without remembering those who died to its after effects
those who couldn’t free themselves from the claws
of violence and bloodshed
long enough to return to normal life
I couldn’t dishonor their sacrifice like that
so I had to scrap that plan
shrugged my shoulders and let go of the idea
of Valkyries watching over my altar space
instead
I’ll stick to Persephone
sweet spring maiden turned queen of the dead
she would be fair
would weigh souls for all their years
not just their final moments
I can pray to her
on behalf of those who’ve served my country
and know she’d be able to help them all
not just the soldiers killed in action
but the lost souls who we failed to bring back in one piece
she could help them all find rest
in peace

she’s your two for one special
your buy one get one free on personalities
you see
she’s a Gemini
born split into pieces before she even got started
she doesn’t have an attitude
she has attitudes
plural
if she likes you
you’ll know it by the raunchy jokes she shares
the way her laughter comes out at full volume
consider yourself one of the Chosen Ones
lucky enough to see her fun side
if she doesn’t like you
you might never know it
she’ll be that introverted girl
who hardly ever joins the conversation
the supposedly quiet one
if she loves you
you’ll notice the way she willingly makes exceptions for you
allows you to piss her off
without tearing you a new one
giving you a free pass when you’re being an ass
but if she hates you
the absence of proof will be the only sign
she doesn’t have time to waste hating you herself
so instead
she will let you sink into self loathing at her persistent silence
her cold shoulder the subtle frost of late spring
seemingly harmless
but amazingly deadly to new growing things
consider this a friendly warning
you may never know where you stand with her
I hope you like surprises

I’m an Aquarius
the sign of the water bearer
this means that I will often
pour you a tall glass of common sense
when the world around you feels like it’s gone crazy
but sometimes I will spill out facts at you
until you’re drowning in them
this is not an exaggeration
I will tell you everything in an effort to tell you nothing
this is a defense mechanism
this is how I hide in plain sight
having an open book face
while penning my deepest secrets in invisible ink
across my own skin
you will know so much about me
and yet so little of me
that I will appear an enigma
a wild card woman always full of surprises
I will flow over you
a waterfall of an experience
both cleansing and overwhelming in my wake
this is what it’s like to befriend both the cup filler
and the water itself