Posted in [poetry]

embrace [poem]

I’m trying to find things to embrace
rather than continuing to float here
moved only by the current of the waters
and never with any effort to steer
toward or away from anything
I’m trying to stir this listless body into action
knowing it feels so good to dance
once you get started
but lying here unmoved is also good
and easier to not do
I’m trying to choose anything and everything
that pulls me away from inaction
even if it’s uncomfortable or awkward to get started
better to stumble than stand still
always so struck in my own head

Posted in [poetry]

I’m tired, Mom [poem]

I’m tired Mom
so tired of trying to convince people to do what’s right
I’m tired of men using
women’s bodies for their amusement
and the surprise they always show
when they finally get called out
like sexual harassment isn’t a problem
until you say its name 3 times in the mirror
I’m tired of trying to have civil conversations about gun control
when all they’ll say is
touch my guns and you’re dead
as if living in an apocalyptic fantasy LARP is normal
I’m tired of my rights getting chipped away
in the name of their God
as if the Bible says to punish the women
and the non-whites
and the gays
and the poor
Jesus must be so proud
at this point I’m out of steam Mom
my soul drained of any urge to continue the good fight
how good can it be when it’s always losing?
I’m going to hand them the reigns
and watch the world burn
I may die
but at least my last words can be
I told you so

Posted in [poetry]

on the bad days [poem]

I pretend my way through every interaction
working my smile through muscle memory alone
each laugh feels like an echo
of the poorly recorded laugh track
from an old school sitcom
I struggle with small talk
as if I’ve forgotten the English language
leaving me to ask people to repeat themselves
almost every time they speak
I jerk myself out of thought spirals
the moment they start
but it still feels like I’m swirling down the drain
maybe the sewers are where I belong

Posted in [poetry]

taking my temperature [poem]

I feel depression the way your skin feels heat
in degrees of increase or decrease
that have a noticeable measure
today was definitely a chilly day
not snow storm cold but
numb fingers and stinging eyes cold
you see
today passed me by without making a scene
a blink and hours ticked away in unnoticed seconds
this is depression being kind
the gentle loss of life
as your entire existence goes a little
numb around the edges
I’m used to this
this is the kind of darkness I have a flashlight for
the kind of emptiness that is
less gaping chasm and
more blank sheet of paper
I can pick up a pen and write myself back to life
from here

Posted in [poetry]

ice queen [poem]

it’s not normal
this deep down cold
this frosted fragment of emotion I’m left with
after letting go
I should be hurt more and for longer
after how long I loved you
shouldn’t I?
love is supposed to fill you and
it’s loss should empty you
because that’s how things work
and only cold-hearted creatures carry on
unmelted by the burning of old bridges
unmoved by the sharp sting of sleet and hail
formed in the aftermath of their own
and yet here I am
still standing
cool calm and collected
forever the ice queen

Posted in [poetry]

on depression and recovery [poem]

I wonder sometimes
about the way the cold rain makes me smile and
why the smell of old books makes me think of mom and
how I’ll ever find that sweet spot again where
I’m happy and I’m around other people 
at the same time
I forget how to breathe 
inhale and
and breathe 
to stop overthinking and
let the warmth of happiness melt my frozen soul 
make me blossom into life again and
then I can go back to wondering 
about the sound of water in motion and
the way it calls me home.

Posted in [poetry], [witchcraft & wonder]

the Moon [poem]

the Moon comes and goes and
I ignore Her because I can’t handle it
when She tells me to smile and
Her brilliant beauty in the face
of my aching patchwork heart hurts and
I hold myself apart from others
hoping to cut the ties now and
free myself from a world too painful
full of colors far too vibrant and
eyes too sharp when they see me
they see every broken piece of me and
I can’t sit here exposed like that
with every scar uncovered and
not hate it or them or myself
for letting it get this bad and
not having the power to save me

Posted in [poetry], [witchcraft & wonder]

brave [poem]

You are brave

in the way you climb out of that bed
each morning and dare to face each new day
breathing. Inhale, exhale, repeat. Brave

in the way your dented tin heart keeps
beating in your chest, ignoring the rust and
refusing to stop pumping life through
your unwilling veins. Brave

in the way you insist on taking up space
when the urge to curl up into a knotted ball
of useless paper hits you, hard. You spread out
to make others feel your presence, saying
I’m here. I’m still here. Brave

in the way you don’t hide your scars and
your voice can be heard even when broken and
the wounds aren’t shameful secrets. Instead
you honor your survival with the admittance of
your weaknesses and their brutal beauty. Brave

in the way your soul fears the light and
the dark in equal measure. The light, a bright
unknown happiness. The dark, a seductive
and familiar pain. The fear, a sign you know
what’s necessary versus what’s easy. Brave

in every way. Brave.

Posted in [miscellaneous experiments], [writer stuff]

Collecting Memories

I went through a box the other day. It was full of papers and folders, various old documents I’d been needing to organize. As I rummaged through my poetry, notes passed in high school, yearbook inserts, and random research printouts, I realized something about myself.

Some people collect trinkets, ticket stubs, and pictures. I collect memories.

Everyone keeps memories of their past, good and bad. The striking ones stay in their minds, while others fade quickly.

Mine just stay.

I’ve always had a moderately photographic memory. It’s not as awesome or awe-inspiring as those who skim a book and can name the exact pages that include the word “rainbow” on them. But it’s strong enough to remember a pattern when it’s seen again, even if I don’t remember registering it before. It’s strong enough to remember a face years after a name is forgotten. And it’s strong enough for a smell to send me crashing back to a very specific moment in time and space.

The taste of fake watermelon, like bubble gum, makes my pulse race as I flash back to sitting in the hospital in Germany, not understanding anyone or knowing why my mom had fallen to the floor in a seizure. Panic rises and I feel nausea creeping up on me. My mother’s seizure was in the summer of 2002, while we were stationed in Wiesbaden, Germany.

The smell of wet sand, even in El Paso, often sent me back to moments on the beach in California as a kid. My dad would occasionally get up really early with us (or just me) and go for a beach walk. Last time I smelled wet sand, I remembered a trip with Derek and Dad. We went to a part of the beach where you had to climb down a sloped rock face to get to the sand; we had to be careful, because it was a real climb, not just a steep hill. I don’t remember much beyond that flash of a moment, but I clearly feel the rough lava rock and cement chunks under my hands. I can feel the cold breeze from the ocean as it blows my hair around. I lived in California from 1993 to the middle of 1997, so that trip is jumbled in time.

My space heater got really toasty under my desk last week. That particular morning, the feeling of my skin reacting to the direct heat flashed me back to my grandma’s old house. She had a bench swing with a cloth cover, and I once laid on it in the summer sun of Washington to take a nap. That happened in 2005, just before I started college in the Fall. I know there are other memories of the same bench and similar naps, but my mind travelled to that specific experience.

Memory is a boon sometimes.

In smaller, less intense ways, it’s helped me with my jobs. When I worked in the bookstore, I could tell you where a book was and whether we had it with about 90% accuracy without the use of our computer system. As part of my duties, I alphabetized sections throughout our department, as well as putting up new stock. This process had me looking at all shelves and all books on a semi-regular basis, which allowed my mind to collect data. Even if I wasn’t sure about the title of a book, if I was told “It’s mostly orangish-red with a blue streak down the front, but I don’t know what it’s called” I could go straight to “The 50 Laws of Power” in our Politics section.

In my current job, it’s helped me to remember why a student had a hold, even if there wasn’t a thorough note in the system. For example, the hold might say “Needs to verify residency status based on answers to residency questions”, but I remember they claimed no affiliation with the military yet wrote a note in comments about their sponsor. That may not make too much sense to you, but for someone asking about the student, that’s information from half a dozen questions on the application. If I entered the application, I remember the name the minute I see it. There was even a student once who typo’d in their own name, but when I pulled them up and explained that they needed to verify it with an ID card, they claimed the “person who entered it” did it wrong; I grabbed their app and showed them the typo (Ahsley instead of Ashley, or something similar). There was no note in the system, just my memory of thinking that they’d probably need to get that corrected; I’m not allowed to assume someone mistyped their own name, so I enter applications “as is”.

Memory can be a pitfall, making relationships a deliberate measure of pros and cons.

I can’t forget. It’s not that I don’t believe in the idea of “forgive and forget”. I just don’t have the capacity to forget things, especially if they affected my emotions in a dramatic way. I’ve had to learn to file away every argument, every laugh, every tear into a folder with your name on it. With purpose, I filed away those memories you create; with purpose, I objectively re-exam them when new ones are added. If our relationship’s balance falls too far into the negative, I end it. It sounds clinical and harsh, but it’s all I can do. I’ve tried to pretend before, and bad relationships turned into abusive ones.

However, I hold myself to a personal, ethical standard. I will never use unrelated past memories in a current argument. Ever. If we’re fighting about money, then only money-related memories are allowed out of the file. If we’re arguing over your family, then only family-related issues surface. I will not budge. As long as you fight fair, so will I. A good memory is no excuse for poor behavior.

Memory gets complicated, too. Especially when it’s missing pieces.

I worked at the bookstore for two years, and now the college for two as well. There are faces I see now, shopping for groceries or browsing a store, that I can’t place. My mind remembers them, even speaking to them in depth, but it can’t remember which job they’re from. Most conversations I remember weren’t work-specific, but instead involved a book they saw me reading or a shared like of my chainmail pentacle necklace.

I have moments that confuse me. A smell, a flash of color, a sound. Suddenly I’m scared, or angry, or panicked… and I don’t know why. My mind flickers with a memory, but I can’t grasp it enough to pin it down. All I can tell myself is that it *is* a reaction to a memory, and then I soothe myself as my mind races to find the source. Those are my least favorite memories, the ones that hit and run hard.

Going through the box of papers had me looking through my junior and senior yearbooks. I could tell you a memory of every single person in my class, as well as the one before it (thanks to my brother and smart kids in advanced classes, regardless of grade). I may not remember a name, but show me a face and I have a story. Show me a classmate, and I have even more; there will be jokes, relationships, a map of their high school experience in my sphere of memory.

I can’t give you directions to follow, but plunk me down at my old house in Germany and I could walk you to the Buch Habel (bookstore) downtown, using all the shortcuts that foot travel can allow. The same goes for anywhere I’ve lived; if I were there again, I could tell you everything in the sphere of my existence there. Clearly, I didn’t walk all over Fort Knox; my memories of locations are all within a couple miles walk of the house we lived in. But I could draw you a detailed map of Bamberg’s army base, considering it was a 2×2 mile dot of America in Germany. I can still map out Hastings for you, both the old store layout and the new one, from memory. The same goes for my Walmart and HEB, though I have three of both within 30 minutes of my house (so I don’t have all three memorized… yet).

I could draw a floor plan of every house I’ve lived in since first grade. And every classroom. I can draw you (with my meager skills) the exact branches of the two trees we often climbed in California. Or the “map” of the “village” we LARPed in as children, off to save some daft princess (after I argued my way out of playing that part… I liked Xena too much to be a normal princess). I can tell you exactly where I was for each poem I ever wrote, while I was writing it, and why.

My memories are what I took from place to place. Normal people, who grow up living in one or two places in a normal town, get to collect stuff and friends. I collected books and knicknacks for a long while, but mostly I collected memories. Moments are my life’s currency, the payments received for being awake and aware as I move through the world.

I try to view my memory as a gift. It made me smart, by allowing me to absorb ridiculous amounts of information quickly and with little effort. It made me friendly, by allowing me to speak to people as they needed to be spoken to (in both speech and body language). It made me wise, by allowing me to infer connections between very distant experiences and points of data; my mind is like a giant web of facts, figures, and ideas. Riding my thought-trains takes a bit of courage and focus.

In getting to know myself all over again, I’m working on and with my memories. Reviewing what we think we already know sometimes yields surprising results.

Posted in [poetry]

Depression [poem]

a weight on the heart.
felt by so few, yet so many.
a feeling unworthy of a name.
going unnoticed until it’s gone.
the spirit yelling to the mind.
the mind finding bliss in ignorance.
anger and sadness playing a game.
the unbeatable beatable foe.
an enemy often unseen.
it comes when destruction occurs.
it’s gone before the dust settles.
who cares about who cares?
a person’s best worst friend.
be prepared, you’ll meet again.

Posted in [poetry]

How Dare You? [poem]

How dare you leave me here in this God-forsaken place?
What’s home without a mother?
It’s just an empty space.
How dare you leave me here in this empty, sinking pit?
What’s life living without you?
It’s just a piece of shit.
How dare you leave me here without my only friend?
How can things just move on?
I wish my life could end.
How dare you leave me here, lost in a world so wild?
How could you do this to me?
Inside, I’m still a child.
Come back.