I hate to say it love
but you’re going to need the patience of a saint
because loving me will suck
sometimes
my damaged pieces are all glued back together
but I’m still lost on the darker days
I still feel hollow and unworthy
sometimes
there are too many scars
I can’t ignore the way it stings
when I get too comfortable
my anxious heart
looking behind every word for a catch
treating every person as a liar
sometimes
it’s so automatic
I don’t even realize I’m doing it until
I can’t breathe for wanting reassurance
that this is real
that you’re still here
that I am lovable
sometimes
if you say it loud enough
I might even believe it
Tag: Mental Illness
posts that reference neurodivergence, such as depression, anxiety, and ADHD
(in)visible [poem]
I was invisible for a year
purposefully folding myself into the background
as I walked through my life
with careful steps
edging around my own sharp edges and broken glass
I stopped talking
my opinions muted
like the sound of car engines outside at night
I didn’t want to be heard
to be noticed
I needed to be forgotten for a while
to fix all this mess
into something workable again
I finally repaired my damaged parts
bleached my hair and dyed it peach
I stand out loud now
so bright and
brilliant and
visible
anchor [poem]
it’s in your eyes the first time we meet
this frightened hopelessness
that comes from too much running
too much fighting
too much feeling
I get it
love
I know how it feels
to become rudderless in the middle of the ocean
every wave reminding you of
just how out of control your life has become
how powerless you are
to correct your own course
I get it
love
I know how your throat locks up
with all the words you want to say
how you can’t even cry
so you watch people walk by and
wish you could ask for help
something
anything
please
I get it
love
I know how to anchor you safely
if you need to stay out here to lose yourself
or how to find you and pull you back to shore
before the storms can sweep you away
I’ll save you from drowning in yourself
if you let me
love
if you let me
I’ll love you until you remember
how to love yourself again
baby steps [poem]
it starts with baby steps
with feeling the ground beneath you
solid and safe
concrete
the first step is to rise
to brush off the rust and stardust
until only your humanity is left
in all its fragile glory
you rise to take that first step
to put one foot in front of the other
and lean into the movement
into living
you can’t stop once you start
only death does that
brings true stillness back to the body
you will always be shifting
pulling yourself through this existence
becoming as whole and happy
as you can grasp with your two good hands
a villain is just a victim [poem]
a villain is just a victim whose story hasn’t been told
so let’s tell yours
the story of how you befriended the weird ones
people whose stripes matched your own
the kind who become chosen family
closer than blood
that’s how you found it
love
in the face of a friend
you lost love too
finding abandonment and betrayal
from those your trusted most
so you learned
not to love so much
not to feel so deeply
drunken hands and lips and moans
the only truths you could accept between hearts anymore
you pushed away feelings
emotional baggage
good or bad
it didn’t matter
you just ran
you always run and that
my dear
is how you became the villain in your last lover’s story
the empty kisses and callous words you left behind
turning her into the same hollow monster
you’ve already become
messy [poem]
you are a mess
an absolute disaster
and I am not your medicine
your salvation
I’m human
I breathe and
bite and
bleed
like anyone else
and I can’t deal with you
not with your sharp edges and
unwillingness to
help yourself
to grab some sandpaper and
smoothe over some of those painful pieces
if you won’t help yourself
to be whole again
how the hell am I supposed to glue you back together?
I’m no miracle worker and
you don’t believe in miracles anyway
so what do you want from me?
I can’t fix you
when you’re so happy
to stay messy
plastic smiles [poem]
it started with a smile
a chapped curve of lying lips
it was see-through like plastic wrap
flimsy and
insubstantial
but they let you get by on that falsehood
every
I’m fine
another careful line
in the screenplay of How To Be Okay
written by you
they didn’t look deeper
didn’t see the shadows in your eyes
or the way your steps faltered when others walked past
but I saw it
the violence in your heart
the demons you were running from
I knew that look
the haunted emptiness of broken promises
of harsh words
of hopeless goodbyes
you see
I’ve danced with the demons too
felt that anger
that self-loathing
burning in my chest too
I’ve wanted to wrap my hands around a bottle and
swallow until I stopped feeling too
but we don’t have to do this
there’s always another way to
pick up your scattered bits
and make sense of living again
if you look
really look in the mirror
you’ll see
the mask is just soot
from the burning of your rebirth
phoenix child
please
take this washcloth
and wipe away those ashes until
you finally see what I see
this is loneliness [poem]
mildew
and stale air
an inch of dust coating
everything
the angry squeal
of rusty hinges when
you open the door again
this
is loneliness
on staying when you should go [poem]
the ground buzzes with it
my feet pressured into numbness
by the vibrations and I can’t
do this
anymore
standing here hesitating because
maybe if I stay right here
I’ll be easy to find if you change your mind
or maybe if I stay
right here
I’ll be able to get used to this constant aching
of everything you ever touched
or maybe not
maybe standing here
until I can’t feel my legs anymore is simply
self-harm disguised in a seemingly harmless
delusion
you tried [poem]
you feel like
a failure
a joke without a punchline
and the heavy weight of your own shadow
presses
down
on your chest
robbing your lungs of air
you smile
teeth gleaming
you heard you could fake it until it stuck
but this
doesn’t seem to be working
well… shit
at least you tried
half formed metaphors [poem]
I think I figured it out
the formula how to calculate the number of
beats per minute
my heart has to pump
to keep this borrowed body moving
it’s not just a pulse it needs
but food and shelter and
sleep
I’ve figured these things out
bit by bit
as the sound of your voice becomes
a strangely distant mumble
I don’t remember
the last words you said that day as
we stood in the same room
with a mountain of disillusions between us
your name
is treated like a touchy motion sensor
we whisper and pray that
it won’t set off my car alarm heart tonight
shit
all the crossed wires guarantee
I need an expert to take a look under the hood
to straighten things out
I always knew you were a blown fuse
and
this is how my mind functions now
a faulty computer full of poorly written code and
half formed metaphors
terrified [poem]
it’s okay to be scared
don’t listen to the ones who say
you have to grin
and bear it
and be beautifully brave
you are a mosaic
of your own brokenness
and fear
is just the mortar
holding your pieces together
your racing pulse
and sweaty palms
are a natural reaction to all your scars
and you
my sweet baby girl
are terrified but still alive
remember that
sunrise [poem]
I can feel it
the sunrise of my soul
as spring approaches
my heart
a kaleidoscope of
hesitant hope
as a new beginning
creeps closer
I’ve looked into the
gaping canyon of the unknown
and smiled
skin flushed with this
long awaited chance to change and
grow and
…be…
I need this
my rebirth after the darkest night
I’m ready
Larissa Lee 