the art of loving myself
meant more than just letting you go
it meant actively pushing you away
refusing the easy way out
really holding you accountable
for everything that happened between us
I wanted to let you back in
to hold you close
to keep the good memories alive
even as the poison of our interactions
killed me inside
I wanted to keep loving you
because it felt like
one of the only things I did right
in a time when I fucked up everything else
I knew how to love your sharp edged pieces
how to hold you until the glue dried
when you put yourself back together
no one else did that for you
I loved your mosaic soul
with all its broken beauty
loving you was proof I had a heart
that I’d managed not to become numb
in the face of past hurts and
unexpected betrayal
but loving you
meant melting down my own bindings
falling apart at the seams
just to stick your pieces back in place
I couldn’t keep doing that and
come out okay
so I finally said goodbye
and meant it
Tag: Love / Heartbreak
obviously any poems about love, heartbreak, and relationships
open book history [poem]
when I tell you I’m an open book
I mean that my story has been written
in detailed chapters
and published for anyone to read
I may be introverted
but I’m not shy
there is no shame in me for the things I’ve done
the experiences that shaped this woman
into phoenix fire and thunderstorm
I know where I come from
and I want you to know too
skim my library for things that catch your eye
like the first time I fell in love
or the moment I realized what trust really meant
or the last time I danced in the rain
I’ll wait here while you read all about it
take your time
I’ll answer your questions afterward too
because no history book can cover everything
as long as time keeps moving forward
love buffet [poem]
I want your love
but I don’t need you
love
I think that’s an important distinction to make
because we’re taught
that finding our other half is the main course
that everything else is just a side dish
but I’m more into buffets anyway
filling up on love in all its delicious forms
no one really needs
seven different types of potato on their plate
but potatoes are awesome
and sometimes you just want to go crazy
and overload on starch
that said
I don’t need the kind of love that comes with
a racing heart and shortness of breath
but I do want it
sometimes
even when my heart is already full
of warm embers and summer sunshine love
on loving you when you’re hurting [poem]
let me hold you in my heart
love
shelter you from the storm of your own trauma
until you’re ready to face the thunder again
let me pick up the slack
I’ll help you carry the heavy burden
of your aching soul
as far as you need to take it
because I get it
love
the reason you can’t always accept
kind words or a soft touch
when the bitter hollowness inside
screams that you deserve to be empty
it’s hard not to listen
let me give you space too
love
a silent room to be alone in
but not lonely
I can stand outside your door
until you’re ready to open it again
I have the time
love
and I’m happy to give it to you
honeybee [poem]
I want to be your nectar-rich flower
under the summer sun
bright and colorful and full of life
honeybee
I want to sweeten your life
and feed your very being with my presence
I want to be sticky
a little tricky
I want you to struggle to remove
the traces of me from your skin
honey
I want to be yours
through the buzz and sting
of reality’s persistent downfalls
I want to be the honeycomb you protect
and the hive that welcomes you home
I want to be your home
sweet flower of mine
I want to be the field of wildflowers
and the soil that nourishes them
and the sun
I want to be the sun for you
when your seeking warmth and light and love
I want to be the warmth and the light
and the love
I want to be your love
feed your heart
before you fly away in search of
greener pastures and fuller flowers
headspace [poem]
I sink into the headspace slowly
breath shallow but steady as I wait
you have to tell me what to do
what you need from me
this is how I submit
giving of myself without hesitation
you’re already inside my walls
so I trust you with this
know you’ll take these reigns
with my well being in mind
I need this kind of loving
the chance to be
open and soft and exposed
in such a safe place
let me love you with my hands
rub your sore shoulders and draw you a bath
let me love you with my silence
a soft hum your signal that I’m still listening
let me love you with this submission
the choice I’ve made to give you control
over my mind and body
and the chance you may even touch my heart
manure [poem]
I grew this life
out of the shit you gave me
took it
and turned it into fertilizer for my dreams
I didn’t let you make them disposable
make them remnants of a listless soul
didn’t let them get flushed away
like so much waste
instead
I planted new wishes into the manure
and ignored the smell
watched my hopes blossom into fulfillment
and I get it now
the way your constipated heart couldn’t
tolerate my springtime optimism
had to try to bring me down to your level
to make us equally dead inside
but I kept growing baby
I kept going
first kisses [poem]
we never got to have that first kiss
the one you remember when everything else is
shadows and dust
I’m not sure if that’s a good thing
or a wild disappointment
maybe it’s both
I can count my first kisses on just two hands
each a memory of something awkward and new
coloured by the time and place it happened
I remember my very first kiss
the oddly analytical approach of two children
curious about adult behaviors
(I was not impressed)
I remember the first time a kiss tasted of
inebriation and bad choices that weren’t just my own
I remember the first time a kiss settled something
wounded and lost inside of me
bringing a warm peace in its wake
I remember the first kiss that made me
flush with embarrassed happiness
as well as the first kiss that tasted like desperate shame
I remember the first kiss that served as a crutch
to distract me from my problems
from a death in the family
I remember the first time a kiss made me tremble
needy before lips even touched
they didn’t all come from happy places
but they’re mine
my memories
kisses given to me like offerings to a goddess
of new starts and first impressions
I guess this means you never sought that kind of blessing
odd language [poem]
I wonder if you’ll need me
or if I’ll just be an accidental add-on
to your existing level of happiness with life
I wonder if you’ll dive into loving me
head first
with all the courageous gumption of an adventurer
or if I’ll trigger the need
for long lists of pros and cons
to weigh in on just how much it might cost you
to try loving me
I wonder if you’ll get here by the time I’m thirty next year
or if I’ll be years past waiting
when you finally arrive
I wonder if you’ll meet my growing expectations
or if I’ll find myself struggling
to find common ground more often than not
I wonder if you’ll make it past my dragon
or if I’ll be locking the tower doors on purpose
leaving you in the courtyard
without any cover
I wonder if you’ll get my weird metaphors
or if I’ll have to write you a reader’s guide
before we’ll speak
the same odd language
all hail the King [poem]
This poem is dedicated to my amazing wife for her birthday today!
I married the Geek King
which is to say
my wife has bigger balls than any man I’ve met
and more nerdy power in her left pinkie
than you could dream of collecting in your lifetime
if you mouth off at her
she’ll smash you with her wit alone
and do it so well the Hulk will want her autograph
(again)
if you’re lucky enough to meet her
remember she is both sovereign and superhero
treat her with respect
awe
maybe a little fear
she is no mere mortal but instead
a creature born of magic and mayhem
if you cross paths with this phenomenal woman
everything will be fine
just remember to say these four words
All hail the King!
colorful love [poem]
I will love you in a full spectrum of colors
each a dazzling demonstration
of how expansive love is
I will love you cotton candy pink
soft and easily dissolved on your tongue
a sweet taste of simple times
I will love you ebony black
with all the dark unknowable parts of me
you will get lost in the night
and learn to appreciate sunrise better for it
I will love you army green
disciplined and ready to follow your orders anywhere
a bizarre obedience from an oddball like me
I know but still
I will love you neon orange
impossibly bright and hard to miss even from miles away
a sign of warning
of caution
of danger
I will love you blue
the calmest of ocean waters
a reminder of happiness and freedom
in the floating moments between waves
I will love you rusty red and brown with disuse
cherishing even the forgotten and rejected pieces of you
left out to the elements until they crumbled to dust
I will love you crystal clear
a prism hung in the window to catch the sun
radiating all of the potential love can be between two souls
I promise as long as there is light
there will be colors
there will be love
the shore [poem]
she was the shore after months lost at sea
this spitfire woman with
the loud laugh and steady heart
she drew me in
lighthouse in the darkness
when I couldn’t see a way home
when I couldn’t see anything
but the sharp rocks and likely wreckage
of this rickety wooden boat I call my life
but she offered me safety
offered a rope to secure myself to the moorings
when I finally found the docks on my own
she offered me hope
dry land and
a warm fire to reheat this frozen heart
I might’ve made my way into the harbor without her help
but this woman gave me a place to call home
a place worth sailing back to
storyteller’s sin [poem]
I keep writing you poetry
explanations and warnings and wishes
scribbled into being
with carefully cultivated words
be clever love
consider this my smoke screen
a diversionary tactic with extreme success
you know
I’ve always used my own mythology to hide myself
history waving a red flag to catch your eye
I will gorge you on my past
until you’re too full of the stories to think
of any deeper questions to ask
you’ll know the shadows that haunted me a decade ago
but you won’t know my present struggles if I have any say
it’s the storyteller’s sin
hiding truths beneath truths in an elaborate attempt
to be your well known mystery
it takes a special kind of focus to study my memories
and come out familiar with my heart
Larissa Lee 