the art of loving myself
meant more than just letting you go
it meant actively pushing you away
refusing the easy way out
really holding you accountable
for everything that happened between us
I wanted to let you back in
to hold you close
to keep the good memories alive
even as the poison of our interactions
killed me inside
I wanted to keep loving you
because it felt like
one of the only things I did right
in a time when I fucked up everything else
I knew how to love your sharp edged pieces
how to hold you until the glue dried
when you put yourself back together
no one else did that for you
I loved your mosaic soul
with all its broken beauty
loving you was proof I had a heart
that I’d managed not to become numb
in the face of past hurts and
unexpected betrayal
but loving you
meant melting down my own bindings
falling apart at the seams
just to stick your pieces back in place
I couldn’t keep doing that and
come out okay
so I finally said goodbye
and meant it
loving myself [poem]
