there were times
I couldn’t stand myself for being
less than
for failing at being lover
being woman
being mother
being friend
I played accidental sin eater
to a circle of unrepentant sinners
let their demons inside this heavy heart
and let myself be made unholy in their image
and I just
felt like each breath was stolen
from someone better worth that gulp of air
but you
you made me new
purified my hurt and gave me absolution
dragged me up from my bloody knees
and made my prayers less empty
you played god
with two steady hands and
the quiet grace that demanded I keep breathing
you convinced me I deserved to live
so thank you
Category: [witchcraft & wonder]
anything related to witchcraft, magick, spirituality, and philosophy
Hades does not want your suicide [poem]
put down the shaking pill bottle
the sharpened blade
the loaded gun
I don’t need you here yet child
your willingness to join me is an unwanted offering
I do not want this sacrifice of young flesh
harvested before its time
I have never asked
for the blood of the living to feed the dead
I will never ask for you to lay your body
across my altar like a feast
for the ghouls haunting your heavy heart
I prefer you breathing
crying and screaming or numb and silent
but always breathing
you will stand before me when your day comes to pass
not a second sooner
do not try to cut in line to get here
I do not want you yet
hard won gifts from the dead [poem]
I’ve always had this weird relationship with the dead
one where I stand here
reaching back in time with my gratitude
sometimes wishing I could speak with them in person
for example
the first man to guide me along my spiritual path
died as I was just learning how to read
his books would come to me
in those twilight years between childhood
and adulthood
opening my eyes to the wonders of nature and magic
my grandpa died and taught me a lesson too
the news of his passing
a message passed across the ocean to me
I cried and promised him that
I’d end the strained silence between my dad and me
before it was too late
and then there was a miscarriage
an unexpected loss that scooped out a part of me
and made me face the lies I told myself
about motherhood and femininity
and my own dreams
later I cried for the girls who killed themselves
after violent hands took from their bodies
and the bullying outweighed their will to keep on living
they taught me how to weigh my own words
against the pain they may cause
to remember their power to hurt as well as to heal
and contrary to my naive heart’s belief
you really can’t save everyone
the dead are beyond this place
their souls somewhere only death can take you
but the lessons they’ve given me are hard won gifts
I can only repay by living
when I’m dead and gone [poem]
when I’m dead and gone
I want to be deconstructed
pulled into a million tiny pieces
I want my things given out like Halloween candy
to friends and family
and donation bins
I want my body parts to fix whatever they can
add a few more years to someone else’s clock
the rest of my body a pyre
turned into easily scattered ashes
in my deepest dreams there is no headstone
only fading memories
I want my existence to dissolve like salt in water
a perfect solution to dying
because death is the last step in a cycle that
keeps repeating
keeps repeating
birth and life and death and rebirth
it just
keeps repeating
and this round just happens to be over
it’s okay to let me go
I’ll be back
Ares on a mission [poem]
Father wasn’t known for his dabbling
unlike Zeus he’d long known
how to avoid planting his seed in fertile fields
his conquests were purposeful excursions
his targets
only the worthy specimen
a warrior woman with fire in her blood and
a keen desire to grab life with both hands
he found my mother at a shooting range
her hair clipped back with militant precision
as she hit her mark
again and
again
it was lust at first sight
they shared a tumble in a tent somewhere
searing a brand of life into her unsuspecting womb
a handful of photos nine months later
were proof enough
he called it mission accomplished
he left his modern day Amazon to handle
the raising of his new little warrior
willing or not
she’d carry on his legacy
of the heated thrill of a good fight and
the desire to win it
holy ground [poem]
I made love to a god once
stretched out beneath his hands
an altar of incense smoke and fresh flowers
I breathed his name as an invocation
called his body into my body
and made to worship him
like any good priestess would
we moved together
the sacred dance of instinct and life and pleasure
and I became blessed
became an initiate of his mysteries
became a new woman at his touch
this temple has long been consecrated
this body made holy ground
wild belief [poem]
I believe in magic
I believe in the rush of power
after a full moon ritual and
the tingling of hands clasping hands in celebration
I believe in karma
I believe in accepting the fact that
I’m obviously paying for lessons I didn’t learn
the first time around
I believe in happy endings
I believe in the warmth of coming home
to someone who holds your heart
sacred in their hands
I believe in second chances
I believe in the opportunity for you to try again
to make amends for your mistakes
I believe in ghosts
I believe in the way specters of my past haunt me
dripping ectoplasm down my spine
until I shiver from their eerie memory
I believe in prayer
I believe in the feeling of hope that lifts you up
when a prayer is finally answered
I believe in you
I believe in the mask
and the person hiding behind it
seeing them both
with eyes so open to the idea of believing again
I am always full of wild belief
Cernunnos [poem]
I met you in a circle
arms crossed over your chest in prayer
as you called my name
Cernunnos Cernunnos Cernunnos
it was strange
the way you showed up unannounced
a new voice in a crowd of familiar sounds
I watched you closely
heard the way your pulse sped
when the priestess spoke of me
come by flame
come by fire
come now whom we desire
you wanted this
wanted my presence
as you celebrated the turning of the wheel
so I came
stood by and played witness to your quiet intensity
witches come in so many different flavors now
each unique in their own way
you gave solemn worship by the altar in sunlight
lord of the hunt
lord of the field
lord at whose altar we kneel
but your body
danced around the bonfire at midnight
with wild abandon for me too
this
this is why I kept coming when you called to me
not for the candles
or the offerings of cakes and ale and roasted meats
I came for the untamed in you
I will always dance with the wild ones
rain [poem]
the first drop hit my nose
made me flinch
and snort
at the unexpected blessing
the second plopped onto my forehead
as I glanced up
grey
everything was an exquisite shade of grey
I smiled as the clouds began to dance
stopped by my car
key in hand
as the sound of a thousand droplets
blanketed everything
in their cool hum
incense [poem]
my room smells like incense
which is to say
I enjoy lighting cone after cone
and stick after stick
just to cause everything I own
to smell like prayer
incense smoke is formless magic
with the ability to permeate your bones
if you let it
the ashes are pixie dust on every surface
a familiar blessing from the same faeries
that like to hide the other sock until your learn
to stop trying to conform to what’s expected
to stop matching just because
someone said you should
incense burns
and the prayers are answered
in the rising smoke
blame Nyx [poem]
there are events in my life that confuse me
or at least my reactions to them
you see
I don’t know how I survived
how I didn’t curl up and wish for death
in the face of the lies and hurt and violence
because let’s face it
I am a soft and breakable thing
but somehow
I made my worst moments
the exception to the idea that I can be shattered
I can only blame Nyx
cold night goddess of the cosmos
of the big black nothingness out there
who else could make
cotton into steel
glass into diamond
She molded me into straight spine and dry eyes
and I’m so grateful for it
for the unrequested help
for the guaranteed survival
for the emptiness that swallowed my hurt
before it could swallow me whole
She made me the night sky
the immeasurable space between the stars
and taught me to live in my own darkness
and for that I’m thankful
oddities [poem]
Oscar Wilde once said
never love anybody who treats you like you’re ordinary
and maybe that’s why I love you so hard
because you look at me and see
all the oddities I bring to the table
the crystals and whistles and bells of a pagan soul
dancing through an ordinary life
you’ve never made me pretend to be normal around you
never hushed my wild ramblings
for fear of someone else hearing them
never told me to sit still and behave
I love you for treating me like
the queen of fools and faeries
rather than a mere mortal mistress
holy water [poem]
I cry at night sometimes
these silent and hollow tears
more like condensation trailing down my cheeks
than actual pain
I’ve always loved the rain
the way everything feels
fresh and new after a storm
so I never fight the urge to cry
I embrace it
turn my face to the grey clouds of my tense insides
and let the tears fall as they may
unhindered by my open heart
I believe in drowning in myself
rather than dying of thirst
while standing in my own ocean
I know when to baptize myself
dip under those cool waters and start over again
wash away what no longer serves me
I turn my face to the pillow and cry
until the waves of my heartbeat
stop their violent crashing to the shore
until I can breathe again
inhaling the dampness into my lungs
like incense smoke and prayer
the truth is
tears have always been holy water
and I am truly blessed
Larissa Lee 