I’m tired of people being ugly to each other
I’m tired of the clever back talk
and the behind your back talk
I’m tired of people laying blame
passing on their own frustrations
with their anger pointed at those unfortunate enough
to be below them
I’m tired of being force fed opinions until I choke
I’m tired of trying to stay positive
when it feels a lot like swimming through half dry concrete
sometimes
it feels a lot like drowning would be easier
I’m tired of drowning though
my lungs
heavy with the words I’ve held in this too tight chest
burning me from inside
rather than spewing out more negativity
I’m tired
I’m just so fucking tired
Tag: Mental Illness
posts that reference neurodivergence, such as depression, anxiety, and ADHD
live wire heart [poem]
I spent the first hour at my new job thinking
I can’t do this I can’t do this I can’t do this
over and over
as my trainer took me around the office
over a dozen strangers
names and faces I can’t remember moments later
hands shaken
even as I curled up inside myself at their touch
this is what social anxiety looks like
me playing the adult
professional pretender at being okay
it’s not this place
with its calm atmosphere and
its tiny coy pond in the courtyard
it’s not these people
with their genuine smiles and
friendly hellos to another new face
it’s not this job
the role of front desk clerk
a familiar coat
well worn and comfortable
there’s no reason to be so anxious
heart jittering as if hooked to a live wire
silly girl
there’s no danger here
no harm to me or mine
just a terrifying newness
depression (and anxiety) [poem]
why are you so sad all the time?
why do you listen to that song if it makes you cry?
you know it makes you cry
have you tried drinking more water?
maybe you’re just dehydrated
maybe you should stop drinking so much soda
what do you mean
“the water tastes like anxiety”?
that’s not even a flavor
why do you always act so sad?
to live for [poem]
it’s not that I can’t live without you
but rather
that you gave me someone to live for
when living for myself
wasn’t something I wanted anymore
I gave you all of my tomorrows
with the understanding that
I may not want any of them back
but you’d keep them safe for me regardless
accidents happen [poem]
accidents happen
they say
nobody’s perfect
our stories clearly tell us
even the gods make mistakes
so I’m allowed to fuck up
the world won’t end with my failure
in fact
some of my greatest talents
are forged from the scraps of things
that went horribly wrong
on my list [poem]
I’ll get to it later
whatever it might be
if it’s even the tiniest bit important
it’s on my list
and if it’s on my list
I’ll make time for it eventually
my list is full of bullet point promises
no specific order or rank in importance to my goals
I mean sure
there are items on my list that have
years of wishing tied to their line on the page
maybe some wishes
have been crossed off after too many failures
or maybe they’ve simply faded out
with the combination of sunlight and time
sometimes it
can’t happen without someone’s help
sometimes it
can’t happen when I’m drowning
in the little things
bills and laundry and leftover pizza
sometimes it
just can’t happen
and I’m trying to wrap my heart around the idea
that an eraser can be necessary
that I might have to lose it
without ever having it in the first place
necessity [poem]
people keep telling me
I’m good at what I do
they keep saying that I obviously care
even when I say I don’t
I keep having to explain that
my version of not caring is
doing only what is necessary
nothing extra
but my necessity and what must be done
always land at different levels
and I’m left bemused
as people keep telling me
I’m good at what I do
this too shall (eventually) pass [poem]
I can’t do anything but let it wash over me
this relentless exhaustion
this hopeless cycle on repeat
because sometimes survival is about
closing your eyes
and letting the bad things pass by unfixed
admitting you don’t have the solution
to any of your problems
only quiet acceptance
that this too shall eventually pass
a letter to my dearest love [poem]
(a letter to my dearest love,
to be read when the moon is full)
darling
this bright night is blinding after days of
nothing but the darkness of my own thoughts
I have never been a person of faith
a believer in God
or good
or a good god
I have always known that reality is more likely
to slap my hand than hold it
and so
forgive me for forgetting about the moon
about you
forgive me for closing my eyes and
blocking out its growing light
the cycle of hope is full of
ebb and flow
wax and wane
perhaps I just got tangled in the little things
my feet trapped in place with no help in sight
stuck in my own chaos
perhaps I forgot what love can look like
as if there aren’t more permutations of love
than there are stars in the universe
forgive me for squeezing my eyes shut in fear
for failing to see you there
love
in the middle of all that muck
I’ve never been one to find comfort in being alone
not when alone looks and feels
too much like lonely
but somehow
I find a way to isolate myself
every time
some nights [poem]
some nights
love
I feel unkind
some nights I’m angry
at this life
at strangers I pass on the street
at you
some nights I need you
and you’re not here
yet
some nights I’m happy to be alone
your absence
an escape from relationships
things I’m no good at keeping alive
some nights
love
I’m hopelessly alone
but some nights
I just sleep
you saved my life [poem]
you saved my life
your love
the antidepressant I needed
when choosing to live was impossibly hard
you healed me
stayed by my side as I shed years
of unnecessary self-doubt
your love
has been the balm for my tender wounds
because on the darkest days
when I am least lovable
you still love me
butterfly, noun [poem]
butterfly, noun
1 the form a caterpillar takes after dissolving in its cocoon; or
2 the things that flutter in my stomach when I get nervous sometimes; or
3 you were the branch that held my chrysalis while I melted into nothingness; or
4 you were an anchor as I remade myself a butterfly with wings unfurled and life renewed; or
5 it is a wish in flying colors; or
6 you are a wish granted in flying colors
haphephobia [poem]
there’s a word for this
cringing twist away from others’ hands
haphephobia
the fear of being touched
I’m not always afraid so much as
I’m wary of contact
but it might as well be a fear of water
when you’re dying of thirst
I’m so touch starved you could call me
emotionally emaciated
my feelings jutting out from underneath my skin
like brittle bones
too much too fast would be worse
than the starvation itself
I don’t know how to accept touches anymore
or how to tell what they mean
quenched thirst versus clenched jaw
I’m lost in a sea of
please (don’t) touch me
Larissa Lee 