I spent the first hour at my new job thinking
I can’t do this I can’t do this I can’t do this
over and over
as my trainer took me around the office
over a dozen strangers
names and faces I can’t remember moments later
hands shaken
even as I curled up inside myself at their touch
this is what social anxiety looks like
me playing the adult
professional pretender at being okay
it’s not this place
with its calm atmosphere and
its tiny coy pond in the courtyard
it’s not these people
with their genuine smiles and
friendly hellos to another new face
it’s not this job
the role of front desk clerk
a familiar coat
well worn and comfortable
there’s no reason to be so anxious
heart jittering as if hooked to a live wire
silly girl
there’s no danger here
no harm to me or mine
just a terrifying newness
live wire heart [poem]
Larissa Lee 