dearest love
I spend more time thinking about you
than I do writing poetry
I think about how
I won’t love you until we’ve become close friends
but we can’t become friends at all
until I talk to people about things other than work
but I can’t talk to strangers
until I lower these walls I’ve built
from my own wreckage
but I’m not ready to take down the walls
and be exposed
I realize
this is a temporary problem
that eventually my natural need to socialize
will win out over my fear of
starting over
my too big heart will grab onto your smile
and love you without my say so
sweetie
you will find your way into my life somehow
even if I can’t imagine
the where or when or how
right now
I can’t wait to meet you
Tag: Future Love
poems written for a future, unknown lover or partner
every syllable is for you [poem]
I imagine you wonder why you’re reading these poems
why I say I wrote them for you
when they clearly span days where you were nothing but
a vague form in the distance
maybe some of them will make you smirk
my smart mouth obvious in every line
it’s a reminder of why you love me
or maybe some of them will make you frown
eyebrows drawn together
as you try and fail
to fit pieces of my poetry to yourself
you think I must’ve been looking for someone else
so why’d I end up with you
or maybe some of them make you flinch
the rawness of my words flaying my heart open
an uncomfortable image of who I am
you don’t know if you’re okay with it
the bloody mess my love will bring your way if you stay
or maybe some of them won’t even be read
because you’re too polite to tell me
you’re not into poetry
and the way writers expose those around them
in every line
I imagine this is hard
loving a person who’s written you
a book of hopes and fears
before even learning your name
that choosing to read the pages without skimming
is a daunting task
but I appreciate the effort it takes to do this
to get to know me this way
I promise these poems really are for you
love in every syllable
as is [poem]
my femininity is a complex relationship
between expectations and exploration
you’ll see it early on in our friendship
my hairy armpits and unshaved legs
my bright coloured dresses
and a flower in my peach blossom hair
I read romance stories like they’re water
and I’m dying of thirst
but I’m not afraid to get my hands dirty
in the middle of something sweaty
and exhausting
these things aren’t for men or for women
we know that
but society makes us feel a certain way
about a woman’s body
like there’s only one right way to use it
I’m soft
sure
curves in places men find satisfying
but I’m human
my body’s hair and sweat and pain
are just like anybody else’s
I refuse to alter my appearance
for public consumption anymore
you could call this my little feminist stand
in my corner of America
if you decide to want this body
just remember
it comes as is
awkward [poem]
I’m awkward
like
really awkward
like the kind of awkward that
answers questions on Tuesday
with a wobbly half smile
but tells you all about high school
over a ten minute break
I pick up buckets of my history
and dump them over your head like cold water
never expecting more than a vague wetness
to linger in your mind when I finally
shut up
I don’t know how to hold back
my all or nothing mouth has no
adjustable dial
to limit the madness
I hope you don’t mind
I hope you find it endearing rather than annoying
that my long rambles entertain you
in their randomness
I swear I’m not making this shit up
this really is my life
three measly decades of odd moments
that sound like eons when I spin their tale out loud
I want you to hear me
to learn my history in the anecdotes I share
but I want to be quiet sometimes too
maybe you can tell me your stories
to fill the awkward silence
don’t lie to a storyteller [poem]
I’m a storyteller and a grudge holder
and that is to say
I will tell others our story because I played a part in it
and I won’t often place you in the brightest light
if you hurt me
lie to me
break my heart
I will weave my hurt into a tapestry of betrayal
my audience’s reactions to your actions
a soothing balm
I won’t be malicious though
won’t slip untruths between the layers
if I’m unburdening myself of our twisted history
the story already has a bitter end
I won’t need to add anything
to make you the monster under the bed
consider this your warning
a cautionary tale
about approaching my well-worn heart
with anything less than honesty
you will not like the stories told if you lie to me
silence [poem]
I hope you like silence
love
that the lack of conversation doesn’t
twist your stomach into knots
that you don’t expect our interactions
to always come with the volume turned way up
loving me will often require stillness
eyes glued to words from the latest story
I’ve dug myself into
I hope you can love me then
in the absent moments
when I am there
but not there in the room with you
I hope you know how to handle the emptiness
until I come back surfacing for air
your quiet presence
the only thing to ground me back into this world
this reality
if I cry, run [poem]
they say that love means being there to witness
the laughter and the tears
but know this
I express my pain in
careful keystrokes and clever syntax
I can hand you poetry and prose to fill a library
with my hurts and happiness
you can read my heart in my words
nothing hidden or buried in my open honesty
but I do not simply cry
so if you’re seeing me red eyed and sobbing
it is no gift
no sign of trust
my tears are no cleansing rain
no holy water salvation
granting you entry into my inner temple
they are hurt
they are hurt
they are gut wrenching pain
if you see me cry
you are watching a disaster in action
you’re just an innocent bystander at ground zero
my tears the toxic fallout
after an atomic bomb hits my heart dead center
it leaves my feelings raw and radioactive
too dangerous for anyone to touch
if you witness my destruction
I strongly suggest
you run
not a princess [poem]
I’m not a princess
not some damsel in distress that needs saving
you already know that
already heard the story
of how I scooped up my own broken pieces
and applied superglue
until I was mostly back together again
and about how I packed my entire life
into a single car
and drive across the country to start over
and about how I found new dreams
to replace the ones I’d watched die
you know I’m my own savior
that I’ve learned how to save myself
from the wreckage of being human
but know this too
loving you means I’ll let you be the hero
sometimes
let you slay my dragons for me
not because I really need your help
but because I trust you
to follow through with the rescue
you must be a reader [poem]
you must be a reader
to love me the way you do
there are things you can only learn in realities
where love is magic and magic is everywhere
words will guide you
storytellers you love will clear the path
between us
it’s easy to love a reader
references flowing back and forth between us
books trusted to one another
like previous treasures
when I hand you a poem
or point you to a favorite story of mine
I’m saying
here’s a piece of me
wrapped in pretty words and colorful imagery
trace your fingers over my heart
and memorize this sweet chapter we’ve started
part time lover [poem]
loving me is a part time position
benefits include
flexible hours
limited responsibility
and an amazingly diverse meal plan
I don’t want you around all of the time
I don’t need a keeper
or a pet
we can meet up whenever there’s a bit
of time to spare between our two busy lives
I don’t want you to fix my depression
or raise my self-esteem
I don’t need a therapist
or a live-in psychologist trying to
piece me together
our time together will buoy my spirit
like a good time should
or we wouldn’t be here right now
I love to cook
exploring the world with the tip of my tongue
I’ll invite you along if you’re game
but I don’t need you there
I can enjoy a new dish without you
this is what is means to be my part time lover
I don’t need you
to fill a full time position in my life
but you’re welcome to play a part
in my bigger picture
to the woman who would love me [poem]
sweetheart
I’m sorry in advance
for the trouble I’m going to put you through
if you find yourself at my door
love a beautiful blossom between us
then you need to know why I’m allergic
to loving a good woman like you
I grew up loving girls
a fluffy kind of love that sows friendships for a lifetime
or at least it tries to
I never really wanted another woman though
never saw myself sweaty and breathless
with that earthy kind of love
until her
for the first time
I found myself drowning in another woman’s ocean
thought I could link our hearts
a beautiful constellation
but she didn’t want my love like that
instead
she offered me the role of her friendly little whore
I just had to remember to keep my heart locked away
to leave hers alone wherever it rested
she burned me bad
obviously
left this fear of loving women in her wake
you my dear
have an uphill battle to reach my skittish heart
I can only hope you don’t give up
before you reach the top
on loving my anxious heart [poem]
I hate to say it love
but you’re going to need the patience of a saint
because loving me will suck
sometimes
my damaged pieces are all glued back together
but I’m still lost on the darker days
I still feel hollow and unworthy
sometimes
there are too many scars
I can’t ignore the way it stings
when I get too comfortable
my anxious heart
looking behind every word for a catch
treating every person as a liar
sometimes
it’s so automatic
I don’t even realize I’m doing it until
I can’t breathe for wanting reassurance
that this is real
that you’re still here
that I am lovable
sometimes
if you say it loud enough
I might even believe it
friends to lovers [poem]
when you and I meet
love
it’ll be uneventful
we’ll bond over something silly
like Marvel movies or our favorite coffee place
you won’t realize it in that moment
that I’m going to matter to you
and that’s okay
it really is
love at first sight is intense and wonderful in its own way
but I won’t want that from you
you’ll catch on
after you spend enough time around me
and my adorable weirdness
I’ll quickly become that friend you can’t really explain to others
some stories about me
will sound like Plain Jane moments
but others will make people assume you’re spinning tall tales
you’ll know from our long and winding talks that
I really did meet a guy who said he was a werewolf
and had a vampire for a friend
and danced naked around a bonfire with dozens of other witches
it just sounds a bit wild out of context
that’s all
you’ll know me page by page
love
because that’s the only way to make sense
of the odd life I’ve led
I’ll find your life just as fascinating
even if you think that living an hour from your hometown is lame
you’ll see how amazing your stories are
to someone who’s only ever had the tsunami and never the calm sea
I hope you fall in love with me slowly
seeing my scuff marks for the texture they are
rather than damage they could’ve been
you’ll love me right
I think
because you’ll get it
there won’t be anything vague in our relationship
not when you’ll be my wife’s friend too
not when you’ll know all about
the polyamory
and the past mistakes
and the reasons I will always love again
you’ll really understand me
and that’s something I look forward to the most
I can’t wait to meet you
love
Larissa Lee 