obviously any poems about love, heartbreak, and relationships
it’s 3am again
that magic time when the mind
decides to just run
and run and
R U N
in circles
and I realize I’m lonely and
my heart is empty
but empty like
a hand offered in friendship
palm out up and open
ready to accept another’s seeking heart
and guide them in from the cold
maybe not tonight but
eventually
Love is patient and kind.*
*Except for when it’s not.
Sometimes love is a child waiting in the doctor’s office, fidgety and antsy.
Sometimes it’s mean, knowing all of your weaknesses and using them against you.
Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude.*
*But lovers can be amazingly, painfully human.
They can ravage your self-esteem with careless comments and hurtful disinterest.
They can make you feel as if you are the sun, both the bringer of light and the cause of sunburnt skin from your overwhelming intensity.
It does not demand its own way.*
*Instead, it is predictable in its requests.
To share your heart, to give of your time, to pour your tears to water love’s garden.
There is bittersweet simplicity in its requirements for growth.
It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged.*
*And maybe that’s not something to be glad of, because it’s far too easy to allow yourself to be used when you forget and forgive and forget again.
And again.
It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out.*
*But sometimes, the truth hurts.
The truth means accepting the need to leave, to be alone but safe.
The truth means allowing yourself to release your lover before the flames die down, because passion can burn you alive if you aren’t careful.
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.*
*And this is why it hurts so much, so often.
Because you can love a man and watch him morph into a stranger, yet still love his memory as it fades.
You can love a woman and know her fingers will never caress your skin, yet still love the sound of her laughter.
Love can leave you aching for the never-agains and could-have-beens.
forget the way the moon sits
over the top edge of the grey towers
and lights up the alleys like magic
and
forget the way footsteps shuffle across concrete
while muffled music escapes into the night air
and
forget the way goosebumps tickle the flesh
as early spring mimics winter’s chill
on bare arms
and
forget the way laughter warms everything again
and dancing bodies
sweating together in the dim light of the bar
and
forget the way a stranger’s hand
draws attention away
from hope walking down the steps ahead
and tilts the world back toward this
awkward reality
and
forget the way the stars watch
the flirting and failure
and burn
right along with it
until it can all be
forgotten
A broken heart is the best muse.
Your emotions leak out from the cracks,
spilling words across the page
until suddenly…
Poetry.
Lots and lots of poetry.
I’m in a mood.
(I wonder how many of my journal entries start off with that sentence so far this year?)
I remember a project in my Sociology class back in my sophomore year of high school. We were told to make a list of at least five attributes we required of a potential mate/partner/lover. Snickering and blushing aside, everyone did the assignment and had the pleasure of reading their list out loud to the rest of the class. We discussed the whys and wherefores of each person’s list as we went.
My list had about thirty items on it. I had the longest one in my class, but I also had a boyfriend (contrary to claims that I was too picky and would be forever alone). The thing is, I’d focused on non-physical things. Someone who had a good sense of humor. Someone who was around my level of intelligence. Someone who enjoyed the rain. Someone who liked animals.
It was cute.
Now, though, I’m thinking that the list needs to be resurrected. If you created a list of thirty or so criteria, and then you only required a potential partner to meet about ten of them… that’s reasonable, right?
Let me approach that from a different direction.
I’ve never been in a relationship with someone who’s owned enough books to fill a bookcase. Why not? I’m an avid reader, from news articles to fanfiction to novels to blogs. I probably spend a third of my awake time reading in some way or another. And I’ve owned at least enough books to fill a large bookcase to the brim since I hit high school. Yet I’ve managed to ignore the fact that everyone that I’ve started a relationship with has been a non-reader. Some of them just didn’t enjoy reading outside of school assignments or a signal series (like *only* Harry Potter or *only* the Wheel of Time). One read comics with some regularity, but even that’s a limited form of reading. I’ve never been with someone who could recommend a good book they’d just finished (or actually listen when I recommend one based on their likes).
It makes no sense!
My approach to relationships has always been very… loosey goosey. If someone likes me, why should I judge them? If they’re willing to bother showing me attention, who am I to not accept it graciously? I’ll willfully overlook the lack of commonality between myself and a new partner, if it means I can avoid rocking the (new, unfamiliar) boat. I bend so we don’t break.
Bugger that!
I’m in a unique situation now. I’m a polyamorous demisexual married to an asexual in a partly open relationship. That means I’m allowed to date and get to know people, to eventually find someone I connect with emotionally to become my lover (that’s the demi part, FYI). Put simpler, I’ll be dating from my friendzone. So… why not alter my “ideal mate” list to that of an ideal friend?
Playing with this idea has entertained me all day. While a bit silly, the exercise itself has allowed me to recognize how many ways I’ve failed myself in expecting almost nothing from those I allow closest to me. I deserve better, from myself and from others. That said, here’s a peek at the things I came up with. Keep in mind, a person would only need to meet about ten of the points to be “up to par”. Hell, even five solid matches would make them more compatible than any of my serious relationships; believe me, I’ve checked. (And that was depressing, to realize how little my partners matched the attributes of my close friends… no wonder we failed so spectacularly!)
– They own an impressive library, at least a bookcase worth. And they actually read the books, rather than keeping them for show. A mix of fiction and nonfiction is a bonus. I need someone who’ll enjoy a trip to a bargain bookstore for a couple of hours, walking out with an armful of purchases with me.
– They write. It can be poetry or blogging, fiction or nonfiction. Perfect grammar and spelling aren’t necessary, but a command of the English language beyond that of a middle schooler is a must. Really, writing well enough to avoid making me cringe would be impressive.
– They are at least partly college educated. I’ve settled for less before, and I shouldn’t. While I’m not particularly pro-college, I do believe that having knowledge beyond a GED is important. If they can explain the intricacies of Japanese culture thanks to personal interest after a semester of the language in college, I’ll be impressed by their personal studies and depth of knowledge. Feeling like I’m walking on eggshells to avoid talking down to people is *not* fun.
– They’re pagan. Not a generic, hippy-is-cool pagan. I mean someone who’s studied various paths and knows where they’re currently walking. If we can debate the merits and downfalls of hard polytheism, they’re my kind of person.
– They’re LGBTQIA+ savvy and an ally at minimum. This one is actually non-negotiable. They don’t have to know all the buzzwords or be a perfect ally, but homophobia is distinctly *not* sexy.
– They enjoy trying out new foods, without whining and being bullied into it. I’m decidedly not a steak-and-potatoes girl, so I need someone adventurous in the kitchen.
– Speaking of the kitchen, they should know their way around it by now. If I ask for them to dice an onion or start some water for spaghetti, I shouldn’t have to explain exactly what that means. We’re too old for ramen-and-eggs cooking skills to be acceptable anymore!
– They’re a geek. Pick a fandom and run with it (the more, the merrier). Bonus points for Harry Potter, Marvel, Doctor Who, Sherlock, or Supernatural. Extra bonus points if they get my references outside of their personal fandoms.
– They need to be financially sound on their own. This is another almost non-negotiable point. I’m tired of being an accountant in my relationships, fixing poor life decisions and bad credit. They don’t have to be rich or an investment genius; I just want someone who manages their own money with half a brain.
– They like animals, especially dogs. Animals tend to be a good judge of character, and I intend to always have dogs in my life. If they can’t stand animals or barely tolerate them, it’d get old pretty fast.
– Hygiene. I’m shocked by the amount of bad hygiene I’ve ignored in favor of not rocking the boat. That needs to stop!
– They could be really into anime. My wife is anime fanatic, so she’d be the best judge of their seriousness. I enjoy a bit of anime now and again, and it’s a type of geekery that meshes well with me and mine.
– They’re creative, for real. I’d like to not have to smile and lie when shown their art, be it painting or drawing or writing or singing. Let them have a talent of their own, one I can truly enjoy. Let them embrace and practice their art as often as I practice my own.
– They play an instrument. Guitars and drums are my favorites, but people who can sincerely play any instrument impress me. Having learned basics on the clarinet and guitar, I recognize the passion and drive it takes to practice enough to gain those talents.
– They like to stay in rather than go out. I like to get out and about sometimes, but I’m more of a cafe-date-for-coffee girl than a drink-and-party girl. I’m too old to enjoy that crap anymore, and I find those who still enjoy getting blitzed are generally too immature for me.
– They should be a civilian. I grew up around the military, married and divorced it, and work with it daily. I’d like to get away from all of that, because I want stability. It’s nothing against those who serve; I just don’t want to start something to a person who will move in 3-5 years for their next assignment.
– They should enjoy a good snog without sex. Look, TMI. I get it. But even if I’m a full blown adult, I happen to enjoy the process of kissing someone senseless (and visa versa). I don’t always want sex, and I’d like to find someone who’s similarly minded. Sometimes getting wound up is the fun part!
– They need to have experience or knowledge of polyamory and/or open relationship dynamics. If they don’t know something, they need to be willing to ask. I’m not looking to replace my wife. I’m also not looking for a quick shag. Communication is key, and understanding its importance goes a long way in showing serious interest in being in my life.
– They’ve traveled. I’ve lived in three different parts of Germany, visited the Czech Republic and Canada along with half of the States. Staying in the same town your entire life leads to a different mindset, one I don’t relate to well. I don’t need someone super well-traveled, but it’d help if they’ve been around their state at least a bit.
– They don’t live with their parents. I get that it happens, especially with today’s economy. But around 30, the excuses get weaker. Personal experience says that a person who really wants to make it on their own tends to crash with multiple roommates and pools their resources, rather than moving into mom’s house.
– They’re employed, and it’s steady. They also can’t bitch every single day about their job, because that level of hatred usually leads to layoffs, firing, or quitting (i.e. job instability). Adults recognize that we have to put up with a certain level of stuff to get/keep a good paying job. If it’s too horrible to bear without griping, an adult seeks new employment. Personal experience has demonstrated this fact over and over amongst lovers and friends.
– They have no child, nor do they want any (at least for now). I’ve moved past any desire to reproduce, and I don’t want to become a parent vicariously through a lover. (I’ll amend this one, that they just need to be fine with not having kids with me. They can have their own children; that original idea of avoiding any form of parenthood was based in residual hurt from my experience in infertility.)
I could go on. I’m a rambler and a listmaker. These kinds of exercises can keep me going for hours, even as I get weirder and more specific with the new points I come up with. The whole point of this list, though, is to remind myself that I’m allowed to expect something more out of people I let into my life (both lovers and friends). I can expect maturity as we all approach our thirties, and I don’t have to tolerate willful ignorance or spiritually stunted individuals.
I’m allowed to say “no”. I can be picky about the types of people I allow into my life, and I can remove those who do me more harm than good. It’s all my choice.
I’d like to think
the reason so many have run from the commitment of loving me
is that I am too wild a thing to tie down,
that they see the travesty in making me tame,
making me stay put.
I’d like to think
the reason my heart is so full of love for people who want nothing of it
is that I am a goddess among mortals,
that my love is too awe-inspiring,
too overwhelming for a mere human to handle.
I’d like to think
the reason people leave
is that they are repelled from my presence
by virtue of the radiance of my heart,
for only the true can stay
and they recognize their own dishonesty
before I ever do.
I’d like to think
the reason I heal so quickly
is that I’m resilient and complete on my own,
capable of letting go and moving on
from hard times, hurt, and anger.
My father left,
turned tail the minute he could,
and forgot the daughter he never wanted.
My first love kept me at arm’s length until the day he left,
accepting my love while keeping his dark secrets between us as armor.
My high school sweetheart ran as graduation approached,
even though I told him I had no plans to follow him to college.
My knight in shining armor turned his back on me and on himself,
becoming a bitter man by the time we met again.
My sweet warrior had too many dents in her own heart
to deal with handling mine,
so she stepped back to the safety of friendship.
My poet took a look at his future
and decided it was too full of roots,
and all he wanted was his wings.
I’m coming to realize that I am loved,
but I am not a lover one keeps for long.
Those who love me best tend to be those who love my friendship,
rather than my romance.
There are always choices.
I could bottle it all back up. Pretend we never discussed the possibility. Return to business as usual. I could push it all away. Disconnect from the feelings, and find distance. Logic myself out of trouble. I could move forward. Push the issue, take a chance that I’ll succeed. Take a chance that I’ll fail.
It’s always about you.
What’s best for you.
What’s easiest for you.
What will make you happy.
I can’t not focus on that. I try.
I tried to make you take the lead, until I saw your discomfort. I couldn’t just let you struggle to explain things. And I couldn’t let you stumble into something deeper than you were asking for, so I had to be honest. I did so knowing it’d suck, that you’d change your mind. Knowing the happiness you want is different from what I have to give.
Polyamory is stupid, and difficult, and frustrating, and awe-inspiring.
I’ve never loved people so deeply, or so unconditionally, or so eternally. It’s painfully beautiful, the way I feel every day toward so many different people. It’s looking up into the night sky and realizing how intimately connected I am to the entire Universe, to every star and speck of dust.
Overwhelming. It’s completely overwhelming.
I can’t not love someone just to make them more comfortable. I can’t lie like that, not with a heart so ridiculously open. And I can’t be sorry for loving people, either. My love isn’t a weapon, or leaverage, or a leash, or a contageous disease. It’s the feeling of happiness at another’s existence. It’s resonating, spirit to spirit, energy to energy. It’s glowing when you think of a specific person, place, or thing. It’s the glue that holds us all together.
I’m frustrated. No choice is a perfect choice. If I bottle everything back up, I’m lying to myself and pretending that nothing’s changed; the whole reason I was able to curl into myself before was in the face of complete disinterest and rejection. If I push everything away, it risks losing parts of our friendship that hold the deepest connection; after all, being close friends is why I fell in love in the first place. If I take a chance and ignore your decision to back down, I risk alienating you and other friends; I could succeed, but it could also blow up in my face.
I’ve written this journal entry a dozen times, deleting line after line of indecisiveness for weeks. I’m not a private, quiet person; it’s unnatural for me to keep my thought-trains and internal debates completely to myself. I respect your privacy, but I also respect my right to speak. That’s why this whole thing is so iceburg: a surface peak only, no glance at the real scope of things. I wonder if this is all a test from the Universe and, if so, which way my lesson is supposed to head.
Or maybe the Trickster has taken a liking to me?
I am a Lover.
I am flowing with love. My heart is an endless river.
I share my love with all of creation.
I cultivate love with those I hold dear.
I understand my love is unconditional, that I may not expect to receive like in return.
I will never use my love as a weapon.
I will never threaten to remove it as punishment.
I am a body, a heart, and a spirit.
I stand ready to show passion with my touch, tenderness with my heart, and Perfect Love with my spirit, to all of my Lovers.
I am a hot-blooded woman of sensuality and grace.
I am a Lover.
Learning about being a Lover
This has been my life, for the past six months. I’ve gone from being the straight, monogamous little girl everyone is raised to be… to being a demisexual, polyamorous woman learning to appreciate love in all its forms. The Universe has challenged me, pushing and prodding me with each step. And I have to admit, I’m grateful. The amount of positive change and growth has SO outweighed the cost that I find it impossibly hard to believe the Universe waited so long… but at the same time, I believe that things happen in their own time, at their own pace, for their own reasons.
I am blessed with Love. May you also be blessed.
The circle is in a big, beautiful grass yard. There are simple, beautiful flowers on the quarter tables and altar. There are flowers around the circle, here and there, marking the boundaries. The circle is cast in the way of the tradition, and each celebrant is allowed in similarly to line the circle with family and friends. Someone is sent to bring the couple to the circle. They are each asked if they come of their own free will. As everyone’s in the circle, the priestess blesses everyone and the circle.
“In the many names of the God of Love
Whose love began the universe,
Whose touch sparked all beginnings,
I bless this circle and all within it.
In the many names of the Goddess of Love,
Whose love holds all things together,
Whose body encircles eternity,
I bless this circle and all within it.
In the many names of all who have ever loved
Whose stories are stars in the night sky,
Whose paths light our lives,
I bless this circle and all within it.
May only love enter,
And only love depart.”
The priestess gives a speech on love and relationships. She takes up their rings and carries them around the guests, asking each person to add their own energies and blessings for the couple (aloud or silently). She returns to the altar and holds out the Groom’s ring to him, saying: “Groom, I have no right to bind you to Bride, only you may do so. If it is your wish, say so now and place your ring in her hand.”
The groom says “It is my wish.” He picks up his ring and hands it to the bride. She places it on his finger as she says:
“I claim you as my life mate.
I belong to you.
I offer my life for you.
I give to you my protection, my allegiance, my heart, my soul, and my body.
I take into my keeping the same that is yours.
Your life, happiness, and welfare will be cherished and placed above my own for all time.
You are my life mate, bound to me and always in my care.”
The priestess turns to the bride and says: “Bride, I have no right to bind you to Groom, only you may do so. If it is your wish, say so now and place your ring in his hand.”
She says “It is my wish” and places her ring in his hand. He slids it onto her finger as he says:
“I claim you as my life mate.
I belong to you.
I offer my life for you.
I give to you my protection, my allegiance, my heart, my soul, and my body.
I take into my keeping the same that is yours.
Your life, happiness, and welfare will be cherished and placed above my own for all time.
You are my life mate, bound to me and always in my care.”
The priestess says:
“All things turn in circles.
The Earth spins in a circle and turns around the sun, and the sun turns around the galaxy.
Time turns in circles of birth and death and rebirth yet again, and the planets do also spin in this way.
And, like all things, marriages move in cycles as well.
Sometimes the fires will burn brightly, and sometimes they will die down to coals and then spring up again in bright flames.
Sometimes love is warm as the spring, and sometimes it becomes winter cold with trouble and disruption.
By taking on the symbol of the circle, you make a promise to remember always that all things come around;
to keep faith in spring while enduring winter, to never lose hope that the ashes will flame again, and that your love will be renewed.”
The priestess turns to the circle of family and friends and presents the couple as handfast! YAY!
“Behold, all acts of love and pleasure are my rituals.” – Charge of the Goddess (Doreen Valiente)
“Love is the law, love under will.” – Liber OZ (Aleister Crowley)
“Love is the law, Love is the bond.” – Seax Wica (Raymond Buckland)
“Love is the decision to give all that you can honestly give without begrudging it, whenever you are asked.” – When, Why…If (Robin Wood)
“Love is.” – the Universe
The above ritual is what I’ve put together for my own handfasting. It holds elements from various rituals in books and online, as well as vows based on the Carpathians on Christine Feehan’s series of books. Handfastings are an interesting thing. A handfasting can be permanent (forever and ever, and so on) or temporary (a year and a day is a popular timeline). They can be spiritual or legal, depending on whether or not a marriage certificate is issued by clergy. They are as varied in method as there are stars in the sky, because no two people’s relationship is the same as another.
I saw my first handfasting as a participant, actually in charge of calling the element of Water (well, it was raining a LOT that day, so I was more thanking Water and asking it to watch instead of joining in… LOL). The couple had a more traditional element, ribbons tying their hands together as the “fasting” of their “hands”… thus, “handfasting”. Each ribbon represented something, good or bad, that they would face. They each accepted both the positive and negative, promising not to use the bad as a burden or weapon against the other. It was sweet.
I’ve considered many ideas for my own handfasting. A costumed theme, where everyone dresses as something mythical, would be neat. (JD’s brother is having a Halloween wedding, so that idea’s taken.) I thought about a twist on the various ribbons in the above example; instead of just the priestess putting them on the couple, each participant in the circle could have a ribbon that represents something good and bad. As the couple goes around, each person adds a ribbon to the fasting.
The whole reason I thought to post this is threefold. [1] I just went through my inbox, and that’s where the ritual at the top was saved. [2] I’m not ready to share anything Greek-related, but I wanted to post something. [3] I’ve been thinking about handfastings and such, because JD and I will have been together three years as of October 10th (10/10/10). I thought that might be an interesting day for marriage, even if it were just a justice of the peace thing (with a handfasting later).
Update: In 2015, I got married to my wonderful wife in my high priestess’ backyard. She used this ritual, with some tweaks and an additional call to Hera (wife’s request) to bless the union.
I’ve searched so hard
and fought so little
for what I want
to have, to be.
I’ve longed for love
and strived for strength
and found I have
not any.
Love made me weak
and a stubborn fool
I didn’t see that
it was gone.
I knew the truth
but was naive, praying
it was still there
all along.
Goodbye, though,
I say to that lover
who hurt my heart
and soul.
Without him here now
I can only wish
that one day again
I’ll be whole.
Shattered and alone,
I know myself no home
but a shadow of a lie
as I cry.
Lying torn and used,
I know myself abused
by the love left far behind
in my mind.
Twisted and broken,
my heart’s wounds lay open,
and they close to form a scar
where you are.
Nothing left to say,
lost my hope along the way,
and I know I can’t be helped.
I know myself.
Larissa Lee 