life as an apology [poem]

I haven’t taken an unapologetic breath
since learning the words
I’m sorry
since learning
how to soften the edges of my strangeness
to make myself more palatable
more normal
you can hear it in the way
I frame rhetorical questions when doing things for myself
asking if I have the right
to make a decision based on my own needs
the answers is yes
it’s always yes
but I ask anyway
uncertainty a stifling pressure on my chest
even in the moments when I’m living
loud and proud and open
I find myself trying to be loud quietly
unable to stop myself from apologizing
for being so alive