Category: [book reviews]

The following questions and discussion cover Chapter 3:Self in When, Why… If by Robin Wood.

Introduction:

[See Personal Ethics: an introduction and Ethics: Honesty for the previous entries in this series.]

I love how hard this chapter is! It makes you look at yourself (with honesty) and realize how your choices and actions affect others, as well as yourself. Even now, looking at my answers from a week ago, I’m starting to question my self-assessment.

First, let me define a couple of things for those without the book. A Mego is someone who’s ego makes everything about them (i.e. “me me me”). An AntiMego is someone who always puts others first, sometimes to their detriment (i.e. “give until it hurts”). A balanced person may swing slightly between these two personality types, but they avoid the extremes on either end of the spectrum.

In my answers, I call myself a mild Mego. I originally based this rating on the fact that I’ve been very forceful lately, both with myself and those around me. My inner dialogue is less “but how will this make him/her feel?” and more “he/she will survive if I do this the way I was planning to”. At the same time, however, I recognize that I still put other people’s feelings and needs above my own regularly.

For example, my coworker gave incorrect information this morning. The Mego in me didn’t correct her, because I don’t enjoy her acidic attitude (she doesn’t take any form of criticism, constructive or not). I contacted our supervisor to ask for assistance, because she can correct my coworker without getting any lip in the process. The AntiMego in me contacted our supervisor for assistance, because I didn’t want her to continue making errors that affect her students, but I also understood that she wouldn’t handle my correction well. I didn’t want her day to be shot and tension to rule our office for the entire shift. Depending on how you view the situation, I acted either as a Mego or AntiMego.

As always with ethics, nothing is ever cut-and-dried.

Now, on with the chapter’s exercises!

[1] On the Mego-AntiMego continuum, I feel that I usually act like…

…a 4.9M, close to midrange but not perfectly balanced (and slightly more Mego than AntiMego).

[2] I say that because…

…I’ve been pushy lately with my wants, needs, and goals. I’ve accepted very little in the way of compromise, largely (I think) as an overreaction to being too flexible and willing in previous years.

[3] I want to change/don’t want to change because…

…I’m good where I am. I’ve always been midrange and almost balanced, and I think different parts of our lives deserve different levels of self-focus and selflessness. As long as the balance isn’t thrown into a huge pendulum of extremes, I think it’s all good.

[4] An honest, balanced self image would include…

…recognizing both your faults and your gifts without giving more weight to one or the other. Let each thing, good or bad, be measured on its true merit and not perceived value. For example, having a skill at creative writing is not less useful than the skill of cooking. Sure, cooking will actually feed a family and so forth, but a story will feed minds. Murderous rage is obviously a bigger flaw than biting your nails.

[5] Write a list of your best character traits; those things that you would love if you found them in someone else. Make sure there are at least ten things on your list.

I’m creative. I’m great with random facts. I say the weirdest things for a good laugh. I have a way with words that gets people to truly listen. I can cook randomly delicious meals out of miscellaneous pantry items in a pinch. I’m not dramatic. I enjoy simple pleasures, like movie night with friends. I don’t belittle or look down on others for not knowing something, because there are no stupid questions. I enjoy helping others. I love with an open heart.

[6] Write a list of things about yourself that you would like to change. Put no more than three things on your list.

I want to stop being a procrastinator, especially of my own dreams. I want to push myself to learn new things, even when I’m comfortable right where I am. I want to learn to let go better, so I can enjoy certain songs/smells/tastes again without negative memories clouding my enjoyment.

[7] If you pegged yourself at 3 or below, do something for someone else that can not possibly help you, every single day this week. If you are 7 or above, do something for yourself that can not possible help someone else, every single day tihs week. If you are between 3 and 7, decide which of these exercises you would get the most good out of, and do that. Or do some of both!

It’s hard to do this exercise for two reasons. One, I always forget it’s here until halfway through the week when I actually get to these questions. And two, I’m already a midrange person, so I already make a habit of balancing between myself and others. My biggest change is making an effort to do nice things that are out of the usual pattern, like washing and folding up all of the laundry myself instead of splitting the chore or cooking dinner without help.

[8] See all the clerks, waitresses etc. that you encounter today as real people, with their own lives, and their own stories to tell. Really look at them. Acknowledge them as people.

I’ve seen workers as people since my first job in high school. It’s hard to judge someone harshly when you’ve walked in their shoes and been just as underpaid and undermotivated. This lesson has never left me, and even the worst waiters and rudest clerks get treated as people.

[9] Treat everyone sharing the road with you today as if they were real people in cars of their own, with destinations as important to them as yours are to you. If someone cuts you off in traffic, say a prayer for their safety and that of everyone they encounter as they hurry to their goal.

I don’t suffer from road rage. My reaction to being cut off is “hey, be careful!” My usual passengers can attest to the fact that, after a near accident, I pray that person drives much more cautiously after escaping our near-crash. I’ve been laughed at for being too kind, but it falls into the same category as [8]. I can’t not see people as people, and I’m careful about throwing negativity around all willy-nilly.

[10] Do something spectacularly nice for someone in your family, just to surprise them. If you rated yourself as an 8.5 or above, then the person in your family to “treat” is you!

I’m going to do some serious cleaning this weekend (before class) to treat everyone else in the house. Normally, we scrape by with minimal cleaning (dishes, laundry, and trash) and nobody wants to touch dusting, sweeping, clutter, etc. Occasionally, I choose to do so in an effort to make everyone feel uncluttered and tidy.

[Note: I did do some cleaning, mostly of the living and dining areas. Everyone was pleased!]

Conclusion:

Everyone goes through phases of Mego and AntiMego in their life. It’s natural and (within a certain range) acceptable. The key is finding balance in your daily life, and learning to expand beyond your natural state when necessary. There’s nothing wrong with being a Mego, as long as you’re willing to step down and not be the most important thing in the room when it counts.

The following questions were found at the end of Chapter 2: Honesty in When, Why, If by Robin Wood.

[1] Define honesty.
Honesty is the truth in whatever package it is delivered (tactful or not). It’s a matter of honor, in
my eyes, because your word is your power (and a liar’s word is worthless).

[2] The thing I am most likely to be dishonest with myself about is…
…hard to pinpoint.

Originally, I thought that I lied to myself about my emotions. After careful review, I realize that I
don’t lie about them at all; instead, I simply choose not to act upon them if inconvenient.

Instead, I think I lie to myself about how much someone else will be affected by my emotions
(or lack thereof). I tell myself that my friend is better off not knowing how I feel about them or
their choices, even if the truth is that I’m more comfortable (read: complacent) with telling them
nothing and avoiding conflict.

[3] When I am dishonest with myself it is usually because…
…I’m tired.

I feel like I’m bone-deep tired of humans. It’s silly, I know. But sometimes I feel like all of the
drama and intrigue and conflict is infectious and beneath me. I notice myself internally sneering
about something, and then I cringe as I recognize the judgment expressed by that feeling. I keep
it to myself, because I don’t want to deal with conflict (even if it would easily be resolved).

[4] I have no problem being honest with myself about…
…my goals, wants, and needs. I’ve come a long way here. Something in my clicked, and I
suddenly knew with extreme clarity just what I wanted from life this time around.

[5] I can talk to anyone honestly about…
…opinions based in fact or study.

I can talk politics, religion, and sex with anyone, as long as respect is present. I don’t mind
differing opinions; in fact, I tend to thrive in them. You learn so much looking at life from a
stranger’s point of view. My only issue is when respect leaves a conversation; then, so do I.

[6] At the moment, I would rate my self-honesty as ___ on a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being
constantly lying to myself, and 10 being completely and objectively honest with myself.
8-9

[7] I would give myself this rating, because…
…when I review how I communicate with myself, I see very little deceit. It pleases me to see my
own internal honesty, even if it doesn’t always manifest for others in my expression.

[8] In a year, I would like to be ___ on this honesty scale.
8-9

[9] I am trying for this much progress because…
…maintaining personal honesty is a good goal. I’d like to work on my ability to be honest with
others more, though. I’ve started this process by voicing my concerns and opinions to those I
speak to regularly, making sure I don’t keep my mouth shut to take the easy path.

[10] Honesty is important because…
…from honesty grows trust, respect, and love. It’s the foundation.

Feel free to share your thoughts or questions below!

Go read “When, Why, If” by Robin Wood.

Now.

Okay, you read it right?

Well, that book is one of my favorites for spiritual growth and personal development. While it was written for pagan people, I think that almost anyone could find a great depth of knowledge and insight into themselves (and their spirituality) by reading it.

The book covers ethics, ranging in topics from Honesty and Love to Harm and Help. It talks about how ethics aren’t concrete like morals. While a moral tells you “do this, don’t do that”, ethical behavior is about following less strict guidelines while measuring each situation for its best solution.

Nothing is ever cut-and-dried.

Should you steal? I’m guessing you’d say no. What if you were starving? What if you had three kids and the local shelter was closed for the night and none of you had eaten in days?

Should you kill? Traditionally, we’d say no. But we amend that moral with “unless it’s self-defense.” As a society, we’ve decided to allow for the right to protect your own life by taking someone else’s. However, it can get muddy. What if you simply “felt” in danger? What if that boy in the hoodie looked dangerous, looked like trouble, and you decided to remove him before any injury could occur? Is that self-defense? [Note: Yes, I’m referring to Trayvon Martin or any other young, dangerous-looking boy walking through the wrong place at the wrong time.]

Should you lie? White lies are considered part of being tactful; after all, no one likes the assbutt who constantly tells people they look like fat cows or smell like a gym sock (even if he’s telling the truth). We, as a society, don’t like rude people. However, we don’t like liars either. Is it okay to lie to get into office? What if you lie by omission, rather than outright lying to someone? Lies break trust, so the more often you lie the more you wittle down the amount of trust people feel toward you.

Ethics have no straight lines. In fact, I’d say ethics are a bit wibbly wobbly, timey wimey at the core. No two people will feel the exact same way about every situation.

A perfect example would be me and my friend Sarah. When a man almost t-boned us on the way to work one morning, we had two completely different reactions. I wished hard that he would be scared into driving safely for weeks after our near-miss. She wished just as hard that he’d find his car wrapped around a pole. I don’t believe in wishing harm on others, because thoughts are energy. Sarah doesn’t feel that her thoughts hold any more power than a middle finger raised in his rearview mirror, so she feels no qualms about hoping his day ends violently. We are like sisters, but we are not always the same. Again, ethics are personal.

My blog will have random posts for the next few weeks. I’ve decided to share my answers to the workbook questions found in “When, Why, If”. I’ve always been a bit of an open book, and maybe you’ll glean something from my thoughts.

Feel free to ask questions!