and I didn’t bother asking Mom for your number
I love you
but I prefer this silence just the same
it’s been years since I came out to you
half a decade since you told me
not to bother coming home
and I haven’t Dad
I love you
but this silence is my gift
wrapped in distance and disappointment
today I turned on the radio to wash the dishes
and I almost cried
[because a warrior gave up his place in Valhalla
to save his Valkyrie daughter]
because a song played
about a father sacrificing everything for his daughter
it’s one of my favorite songs Dad
one of the songs where
I blame my daddy issues for the tears
you were an amazing father once
I grew up loved
I never forget that
my friend worries that he’s a terrible father
and I use your love as an example of why
he’s doing everything right
because you loved me like your own flesh and blood
and what can you call a man
who loves his stepkids like their own
but a good father?
Dad you were a good father once
so good I never guessed I was a stepchild
until Mom decided to tell me so
every year I think about reaching out
about being the one to bend and break the silence
but I did nothing wrong Dad
there’s nothing wrong with the way I love
or the life I choose to live
maybe one day I’ll be able to forgive you
for not seeing it the same way
until then
I can only wish you happy birthday
in less than happy poetry
and relentless silence
taking care of you [poem]
I want to keep you forever
I want to tuck your heart into the safety
of my own rib cage
I want to run my fingers through your hair
I want to hold the world at bay
until you’re rested and ready to face it again
I want to bake you cookies
I want to fill you up until you’re not hungry anymore
be it for food or fun or affection
I want to curl up in the circle of your arms
I want to love you so thoroughly
that you forget what being lonely felt like
hopeless romantic [poem]
I’m not a hopeless romantic
my heart is full to the brim with hopeful optimism
instead I consider myself a helpless romantic
the kind of person who can’t help but want to love you
I will paint a lover’s every action with romance
but I will do the same to the actions of a stranger
love is in every moment
in every smile
every word
I can’t help but want love to be
all-encompassing and ever-present
embrace [poem]
I’m trying to find things to embrace
rather than continuing to float here
moved only by the current of the waters
and never with any effort to steer
toward or away from anything
I’m trying to stir this listless body into action
knowing it feels so good to dance
once you get started
but lying here unmoved is also good
and easier to not do
I’m trying to choose anything and everything
that pulls me away from inaction
even if it’s uncomfortable or awkward to get started
better to stumble than stand still
always so struck in my own head
traveler [poem]
I know myself by virtue of having never
been given a moment to linger
unchanged in a place of stillness
instead
I’ve traveled more miles than some family cars
felt the warm anger of a Kentucky summer storm
the sharp sting of summer’s hot kiss in Texas
the caffeinated bite of Germany in December
I’ve known people who have also traveled
unnumbered miles before we met
their roadmap worn in different places than mine
but both equally well used
this is how you build a raindrop child into an ocean
let her waters collect and grow
from puddle to pond to Pacific
I know how to navigate by the stars of
my own secret hopes and long lost memories
thanks to a lifetime spent
never walking the same path twice
only a traveler can know they’re home
by the way the trees move in the wind
winter butterfly [poem]
this is the longest night
and I am cocooned in this darkness
a winter butterfly
fed on the sap of evergreens
and ready to transform again
and again
and again
every new year
another rebirth into becoming myself
midwinter love [poem]
time slips by a phantom
without a whisper or goodbye
and suddenly it’s midwinter
and the grey skies murmur our names
a couple’s incantation
drawing us together to defeat the cold
and I want to watch the seasons change with you
taste the midsummer berries
under the blinding sun
and know we’ll melt next winter too
that new spring growth and dead autumn leaves
are both beauties we will witness together
again and again
I’m tired, Mom [poem]
I’m tired Mom
so tired of trying to convince people to do what’s right
I’m tired of men using
women’s bodies for their amusement
and the surprise they always show
when they finally get called out
like sexual harassment isn’t a problem
until you say its name 3 times in the mirror
I’m tired of trying to have civil conversations about gun control
when all they’ll say is
touch my guns and you’re dead
as if living in an apocalyptic fantasy LARP is normal
I’m tired of my rights getting chipped away
in the name of their God
as if the Bible says to punish the women
and the non-whites
and the gays
and the poor
Jesus must be so proud
at this point I’m out of steam Mom
my soul drained of any urge to continue the good fight
how good can it be when it’s always losing?
instead
I’m going to hand them the reigns
and watch the world burn
I may die
but at least my last words can be
I told you so
on the bad days [poem]
I pretend my way through every interaction
working my smile through muscle memory alone
each laugh feels like an echo
of the poorly recorded laugh track
from an old school sitcom
I struggle with small talk
as if I’ve forgotten the English language
leaving me to ask people to repeat themselves
almost every time they speak
I jerk myself out of thought spirals
the moment they start
but it still feels like I’m swirling down the drain
maybe the sewers are where I belong
a dragon’s hoard [poem]
when people break your trust you have a choice
become hard or become cautious
hard means you’re safe in your castle
an untouched treasure in the depths of the dungeon
cautious means you’re vigilant
eyes tracking every flicker and flinch around you
the closer they get
the tighter you’re wound
trust is a commodity worth hoarding
so when I say I trust you Love
I’m telling you that your presence makes me unwind
a subconscious reaction
to the safety you’ve come to represent
thief [poem]
no one noticed
when you stole the moon and
tucked it in your back pocket
most people are too focused on
the brilliance of the sun
to miss the lunar glow
a prayer for wisdom [poem]
Athena
goddess of the good decision
hear our prayer
lead our thoughts to the solutions
best suited to our goals
a spear flying directly toward its target
a clear bull’s eye
success
three [poem]
there have been three nights this year
where I forgot about my poetry
while lying in your arms
it’s no surprise though
that loving you takes up all of the words in me
and makes me silent
Larissa Lee 