Dad it’s your birthday [poem]

and I didn’t bother asking Mom for your number
I love you
but I prefer this silence just the same
it’s been years since I came out to you
half a decade since you told me
not to bother coming home
and I haven’t Dad
I love you
but this silence is my gift
wrapped in distance and disappointment
today I turned on the radio to wash the dishes
and I almost cried
[because a warrior gave up his place in Valhalla
to save his Valkyrie daughter]
because a song played
about a father sacrificing everything for his daughter
it’s one of my favorite songs Dad
one of the songs where
I blame my daddy issues for the tears
you were an amazing father once
I grew up loved
I never forget that
my friend worries that he’s a terrible father
and I use your love as an example of why
he’s doing everything right
because you loved me like your own flesh and blood
and what can you call a man
who loves his stepkids like their own
but a good father?
Dad you were a good father once
so good I never guessed I was a stepchild
until Mom decided to tell me so
every year I think about reaching out
about being the one to bend and break the silence
but I did nothing wrong Dad
there’s nothing wrong with the way I love
or the life I choose to live
maybe one day I’ll be able to forgive you
for not seeing it the same way
until then
I can only wish you happy birthday
in less than happy poetry
and relentless silence