I’ve been thinking about spirituality a lot lately.
Our coven is about to open for new students again, and this time feels special. It’s not so much that I’m expecting anyone in particular to join up, or that I think we’re going to cover a bunch of new ground. Rather, it’s that I feel the difference in me.
I’ve talked about this before. We (humans) are creatures of habit. We are quick to decide the truth about ourselves and then stop looking. My simplified example is your favorite color. Mine was purple when I was little, a reflection of both my love of darker tones and my birth stone. I claimed purple without any thought on every questionaire, every conversation, and every “about me” section on a profile. It wasn’t until I turn 21 or so that I realized it wasn’t true; I liked purple still, but when deciding on a single color to use for something (a new shirt, my profile text, etc.) I chose green. Green was my new favorite color, and I hadn’t even realized it.
Spirituality can be the same, sometimes. We get into this place where we’ve done some serious soul-searching and found some answers… and so we decide that’s it. The truth is A, B, and C – in that order. It comes as a somewhat unpleasant surprise, then, when the Universe tosses everything we think we know about ourselves right out the window, forcing us to start from scratch again.
What does that have to do with our coven opening up for new students?
We call the first year of lessons the Rainbow Year, because we touch on a full spectrum of subjects to give students an overview of paganism in general and more specifically an overview of our tradition. We cover things like pagan history, general practices and beliefs, gods and goddesses, tools, the wheel of the year, and so on.
For years, these lessons have felt more like mindless repetition than an exercise in learning. However, that’s completely my fault. I’ve become complacent in my beliefs, failing to examine and re-examine my path as I walk it. I’ve stopped trying to reach further and deeper when covering those fundamental lessons; instead, I’ve embraced a form of mindless boredom.
I’m done with that.
This year, I’m going to dive into our Rainbow classes as if I’ve never been there before. It’s time to rediscover who I am, who I want to be, and where I’m walking on this path of mine. Some of the new (and terrifying) truths about myself have already come out, turning me into the biggest puzzle I’ve ever faced.
To put the pieces together, I’ve come up with trackers. I’ve been journaling almost daily, with some of it remaining private just to allow the words to flow out completely unfiltered. I’m going to take notes in each class, as if I were attending a college course again; I’m going to combine them and the current notes to create what I’d consider the vital information from each lesson. I’ll be doing research to help with this, seeking out the old and the new to figure out where I stand. Throughout the process, I’ll continue to work on my pagan book project; the writing and reflection from it will fit in nicely with redefining myself.
I’m not letting 2015 go to waste, because this is the first time in a very long time that I’ve faced numbered days to reach a goal. Losing everything I’d had planned for my future lit a fire under my ass. I feel like the Universe has challenged me, again, by taking what I thought I knew about myself and turning it on its head.
What am I?
What do I believe?
What great work am I here for?